Control versus Responsibility
Recognize when you’re being manipulated
Most of us have been there once or twice, or all too often. Someone makes you feel like somehow you did them wrong, like now you owe them something, and then they proceed to dole out the punishment of “cutting you off” until you do whatever it is that they want you to do in order to make them happy. Until the next time.
And so, you’re left feeling like you’re at their mercy while they’re busy pointing a finger at you and calling you the “bad guy”. You find yourself being defensive all of the time, and saying things like: “No, I’m not…”, “But, that’s not true…”, “I didn’t…”, and so on. You’re left always expecting another round of this abusive cycle. You’re left walking on eggshells – and still stepping in it, no matter what you do.
You feel like it’s out of your control but, somehow, you’re taking all the responsibility.
If you’ve gone through this – or, if you’re going through this – with a loved one, you know it will make you feel sick to your stomach. You feel like you’ve been poisoned. The emotional pain of this experience can sometimes make you wish you could die – and sometimes you think you just might. It isn’t healthy. What’s going on here?
You’re being manipulated through Fear, Obligation, and Guilt – or FOG.
I know. It’s hard to imagine how your loved one could be so callously abusive to you. After all, you just want to make them happy and have peace in your home. Don’t they want that too? No. Absolutely not. Never. Under no circumstances. They want you to chase that dangling carrot while they continue throwing obstacles in your path and mocking you when you trip. Punishing you. Controlling you. Sucking the life out of you. What you call peace and happiness, they call boring.
I’m sure you’ve noticed, this is a one-sided dynamic. You wouldn’t dream of treating anyone this way – not a friend, not a family member, and most certainly not your intimate partner. And, yet, here it is. Over and over again, you’re portrayed as the “bad guy” for something that you never did and you’re stuck running on a hamster wheel to prove your love and innocence to the one who won’t stop pointing their accusatory finger at you.
They refuse to accept responsibility but, somehow, they’re always in control.
There’s no end in sight, as long as this is working for them. As long as you keep playing the role they’ve created for you, they’ll keep using you for supply and sucking the life out of you like an emotional parasite. Until you’re used up, and broken, and broke. Then they’ll say, “Just look at you! Who wants to be with a used up, broken, penniless mess like you?” – and, you can be sure, they’ll already have a fresh fish on the line to take your place.
That’s how it’s always been for them because they are sick, demented, and depraved. You just couldn’t see it because you’re not any of those things and it’s difficult for you to imagine. If you confront them, however, they will say that YOU are those things. They’ll say you’re crazy. They’ll say you’re a “bad guy” for even considering it, and now you owe them big time. Fuck that.
Take control and damn the torpedoes.
Stop letting them get away with it. Be okay with them getting upset at you. Enjoy it. Turn the tables on them and take your control back in the places where you are being held responsible. You are only responsible for what you can control.
You cannot control whether or not they get upset with you. Haven’t you tried? It’s not your responsibility. Do you know what is? Your own happiness. My advice, stop putting someone else in control of it. You alone have the power. God be with you.